RE: Your MANDATORY ADOPTION :)
Congratulations, [ENTER FIRST NAME HERE]!
In pursuant to recent changes in the law, along with your vocal support of “Pro-Life” policies, including but not limited to an outright ban on abortion, we’re happy to report that your MANDATORY ADOPTION has processed!
Your new child(ren) will be assigned to you within the next 3-6 months.
If you haven’t already, now would be a fantastic time to begin planning, as you’ll soon be legally obligated to donate a hefty percentage of all the time you have left remaining on this planet caring for a creature that can, at times and at all ages, be rather noisy, chaos-inducing, and relentless in its demands.
To make things easier on you, the State will be sending along three (3) diapers, one (1) can of formula (pending available supply), and three (3) brief (00:90) YouTube clips that cover the history of childcare across the ages narrated by the digitized voices of Ronald and Nancy Reagan.
Our Adoption Clerks would like to take the opportunity presented by this truly magical occasion to point out that taking possession of a child is a legally binding obligation, one in which you’ll be expected to keep the child alive, fed, disease-free, and entertained for the next 18 years, or until such time as the child is able to take over the considerable financial cost associated with its upkeep.
In addition, we’d like to remind you that this adoption is mandatory, not optional, with no exceptions whatsoever. It’s a child, not a choice, as we’re sure you of all people surely understand.
The projected financial investment on your part will be approximately $250,000-$500,000 over 18 years, though that number is expected to increase given the rising cost of living throughout the country.
Additional children may be assigned to you over the next 2-12 years as well, requiring additional financing and extending your time commitment.
Please see the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) section below before reaching out to our office with any questions.
Thank you for your participation and best of luck!
Sincerely yours,
Rev. Douglas Nurfweathher, MBA Chief Adoption Clerk Mandatory Adoption Offices, Branch 119.A “It’s a child, not a choice”
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Question:
Whoa, what the hell is this shit? This is, like, a total fucking disaster. Is there some way I can get out of this? Like, donate to a political party or something? My job keeps me really fucking busy and I’m already strapped for cash as it is. Is there anyway we can “work together” to make this little problem go away?
Answer:
No.
Question:
But seriously man, I can’t do this. I absolutely cannot do this. I’m, like, freaking the fuck out here. I don’t even have a girlfriend, let alone a long-term partner, and I don’t even live in the same state as my parents. How the hell am I going to raise this thing alone, with rent and gas and the price of literally everything else going through the fucking roof? Do I really have to do this??
Answer:
Yes.
Question:
But, why me? Why is this happening to me? I’ve only hooked up with, like, a couple girls all year and I’m pretty sure I used a condom. And well that one girl said she was on birth control I think.
Answer:
Why not you?
Question:
Are you shitting me right now!? Is this a prank? Like, for real, how can that be your answer?
Answer:
You have been selected based on your support of “Pro-life” political candidates and policies, including the numerous times you’ve texted, typed, spoken, or thought the phrase(s), “It’s a child, not a choice” and/or “Adoption not abortion.”
Question:
Look, I’ll do anything. Whatever you want, okay? Just tell me what to do. Are you even a real person? Am I chatting with a bot? Come on, just tell me what to do to get out of this thing and I’ll do it.
Answer:
We’d like to remind you that this is an obligatory, legally binding arrangement. There is no way to opt-out, given both your support of “Pro-life” policies and residence in a “Pro-life” state.
Question:
Wait, so I could, like, leave the state? Live somewhere else? Not all the states have this program?
Answer:
While that’s technically correct, that’s an incredibly expensive endeavor—one we know for a fact you don’t have the financial or emotional space to make.
In addition, the State will continue to surveil your activity for the rest of your life to determine that you have indeed permanently changed your residence. If we find you in violation, meaning pretending to have residence elsewhere while still living in this State, living elsewhere while working in this State, or even frequently visiting this State for any reason, the State will promptly prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law for child abandonment, which carries a minimum sentence of 50 years.
Questions:
I—um—fuck.
Answer:
Do you have any other questions?
Questions:
…
Answer:
Thanks for chatting, “I-Am-Fuck.” Have a great day and congratulations on your impending miracle.