My Convo with Joe: Biden and Small-Time chat about Ukraine, Afghanistan, health care, and some other stuff
Upon meeting the President in the Oval Office, I had several immediate, powerful impressions. The first was that Biden is far taller than he looks on TV. I’d put his height at ~6’4”??? Anyway, he somehow towered over me as we shook hands, which was shocking to say the least. His skin, when seen up close, as I suspected it would be, was far smoother and shinier than one would expect at his age. His silver hair appeared wet but crisp.
The lighting in the room was bright, far too bright—like driving out of a long mountain tunnel looking straight into the desert sun too bright. It’s unclear to me why or even how (but especially why) such lighting was accomplished. Though I was tempted to reach for my sunglasses, I feared it would look unprofessional. And was also afraid that reaching into my suit jacket could inspire a response from the two meaty secret service members who flanked the president, or from the German Shepherd (whose name I didn’t catch), which sat beside him, eyeing me like I was a corn dog with a bad attitude.
But overall, I was pleased with how the interview went and enjoyed the experience. It was my first time within “the halls of power,” as they call it. And that part was cool and surreal and I didn’t realize there’s a gift shop like, inside the White House. I bought a White House paper weight and “I heart NY” T-shirt and a couple of postcards. It was all extremely overpriced. And when the cashier rang me up I joked that I should get all the stuff for free since technically I’d paid for it with my taxes but he just gave me a cold stare, which, whatever, I thought it was funny.
I decided to just publish the transcript in its entirety, unedited, mainly because I sent the audio file to a transcription service and this is how it came back, so…easy peasy. Anyhow, that’s enough from me, let’s get to it!
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Small-Time: What would you say is the most important part of your job on a daily basis?
Biden: Oh, that’s an easy one. I’d say breakfast. I eat half a grapefruit, two eggs, wheat bran, two cups of coffee. And I always have a bear claw. I don’t eat it—the bear claw—never eat it. I just love to look at it on the table. Such a cool shape. And a great name, too. I wonder who named it?
ST: Okay, um, well…do you feel frustrated at all with how your administration has played out so far?
B: Let me answer that question with a question right back at ya: Do you feel frustrated with how your administrated has played out so far?
ST: I, uh, don’t think I quite understand the, um…
B: Now you know how I feel.
ST: Confused?
B: Bingo!
ST: Alright, well, let’s talk some about the Russian invasion of Ukraine. How do you see this concluding?
B: Have you ever seen the movie “Tommy Boy?”
ST: Err—
B: Starring Chris Farley, David Spade…
ST: Yeah, uh, but it’s been a while.
B: So you know it’s a great film. An underappreciated film.
ST: Well, like I said, it’s been a while…
B: There’s the scene where Tommy Boy is sitting in the sailboat with his love interest, but the boat won’t move…
ST: Right, yeah, I do remember that, but—
B: And Tommy Boy shouts, “Need a little wind here!” Haha, I just love that scene, hahaha. It always gets me. I’m cracking up just thinking about it.
ST: Are you saying that Putin will find himself stranded and isolated like Tommy Boy on a windless lake?
B: Would it make your life easier if I just say yes?
ST: Yes.
B: Okay fine, yes.
ST: Great, so—let’s see, um…
B: You were about to ask me a question unrelated to cinema…
ST: Well, yeah, but, that doesn’t exactly narrow it—
B: I mean, you’ve got notes right in front of you. I’m looking at them. Just grab one and let’s go, man!
ST: Okay, erm—do you feel your age should, or does, factor into your ability to lead the country?
B: That’s a great question. No, it does not. I never even think about my age. It’s not really clear that I have one, at least in the conventional sense. Next question, please.
ST: Uh, okay, how would you characterize the withdrawal from Afghanistan?
B: Afghanistan. Now that is a beautiful country. Ever been?
ST: No, I’ve never been able to—
B: I mean the mountains are just…WOW! You know what I mean? Just huge, man. Snow-capped, majestic. They make the Rockies look—and I know this is sensitive nowadays, so I won’t say too much—but they make the Rockies look puny, pathetic even. Don’t get me started.
ST: And any thoughts on the withdrawal from Afghanistan?
B: You ever been? To Afghanistan?
ST: No, but—okay, let’s move on to oil. You initially wanted to transition away from it, but now it seems you’ve changed course.
B: That’s true. Mea culpa, as they say in, uh, wherever. The truth is, I hate oil. I find it personally offensive, like deep in my heart. But then again, it’s beautiful. The way it shows up in your car and you can just go vroom vroom! Off to anywhere you want. Isn’t that just incredible?
ST: Well, there are electric cars as well.
B: I know! That’s what I’ve been telling everyone. Electric cars. And they basically use, like, almost no...
ST: …no oil?
B: No oil, right. But what about the engine? Is there a dipstick in there, or how do you check the oil level or lack thereof? Haha. You can tell I don’t own a Tesla.
ST: Yeah, me neither. But I don’t, uh, think they use oil at all, but don’t quote me on that.
B: Why would I quote you? You’re the one writing the article, aren’t you?
ST: In theory, yeah, though so far…
B: Okay, come on, let’s keep these wheels vrooming, man. What else?
ST: Alright, so let’s talk about Joe…
B (beaming): We already are!
ST: …Manchin.
B (crestfallen): Oh.
ST: He’s been a bit of a thorn in your side over the last couple years. Any comment there?
B: First off, I can’t believe we’re both named Joe. Let’s start there. Because I think I’ve been calling him Jeff this whole time, and none of these assholes called me out on that. So, that’s number one.
ST: And…number two?
B: Look, let me cut to the chase here. I had big plans—fun plans—for my presidency, but he…he’s like the one kid your mom forces you to invite to your birthday sleepover even though nobody likes him—he eats all the pizza, spills a full Coke on the dog, and keeps everyone awake all night with rancid, like pharmaceutical-grade, farts, excuse my French.
ST: Okay, so, uh, you don’t like him?
B: I didn’t say that! Jesus, did I say that? You can’t print that!
ST: I, uh…
B: If that gets back to him I’m toast. So just, strike that one from the record. Don’t we have, like, attorney-client privilege here?
ST: Well, no. I’m not your attorney. I’m a journalist.
B: Oh yeah? Is that what you call harassing an old man in his home like this?
ST: Sir, you’re the president. And we’re sitting in the Oval Office.
B (beaming): Proudest damn day of my life was the day I was elected to lead the greatest country on Earth by the greatest people on Earth.
ST: And how has it been for you, being the president?
B: Oh, it’s been wonderful. A truly wonderful experience.
ST: Is that right?
B: I mean, partly, yeah. That office chair over there is extremely comfortable, for example. But you wouldn’t believe the office politics in a place like this. It’s like, think about it this way—it’s like I’m trying to put together the world’s greatest rock band, right? Except, the lead guitarist only wants to play hair metal, the bassist can’t tune her instrument. And the drummer can’t breathe out of the water, so they have to always be submerged in an aquarium.
ST: And…you’re the singer…in this scenario?
B: Right! And I can’t sing. My throat’s all dry. I’m tired. The Ritalin does help some, but—
ST: Did you say Ritalin?
B: I said the “Riddle-me-this.” It’s a fun, quiz-type game I play on my phone apps. Keeps the noggin sharp.
ST: Well that brings me in the weirdest way possible to healthcare. Do you feel that healthcare is a human right?
B: Funny thing about rights is, and don’t repeat this, they’re all made up! I mean fundamentally-speaking.
ST: So is that a no on healthcare?
B: No!
ST: I’m sorry?
B: Look, healthcare is a right, I do believe that, but it’s not like a Divine Being comes down with a list of rights and we can just double check our work from the list. No, it’s up to us. We decide! And that’s cool, if you think about it, but also very scary. And a lot of pressure!
ST: Aren’t you Catholic?
B: Yes, and proud to be one, as my sweet mamma used to say.
ST: But you don’t believe in God? Old Testament? New Testament?
B: Oh man I love both testaments. Don’t make me pick a favorite!
ST: Okay, so, there’s been a lot of talk lately about whether you’ll run for re-election…
B: Did you say “resurrection” or “re-election”?
ST: Re-election.
B: Right. That makes more sense. You got me thinking about church stuff I guess.
ST: Do you have a comment?
B: Well there are some—many—who believe Jesus died, like, completely. That He was resurrected and pushed that huge boulder out of the way so he could give one more electrifying speech to fire up the party base, if you will. Something about that story really speaks to me.
ST: Um, is that your German Shepherd? The one that kept biting Secret Service members?
B: Haha. Yeah, hahahahaha, man that was so funny, no offense, to…
ST: …to…?
B: Honestly, I don’t know anymore. Just seems like a good phrase to pepper in there nowadays.
ST: Right. Well, hmm…
B: Need another cup of coffee? I’m buying.
ST: No, I think I’m good.
B: Actually, now that you mention it, the coffee’s starting to work its magic, if you get my drift, so I think I gotta head out. But it was great talking to you. Incredible talking to you Mr., uuh, Mr….
ST: Schmall.
B: Mr. Small. Haha. Me and Mr. Big (winks) have to run, but you have a great day. Let me know how the article goes.
ST: Thank you, uh, Mr. President. Good luck.